Creating Boundaries Through Conflict


By Laura Castanza and Julia George ©2014

One of the many gifts we receive with the human body is a brain that can reason over our instinctual nature and resolve conflict through communication. This intention naturally establishes healthy boundaries.  It is the soul of our humanity to preserve and revere others, initiate unification when we misunderstand, and maintain a safe space for self-care.  This human ability has greater potential than practice given the level of dis-ease on planet Earth.  Yet, the prevailing level of suffering between all living things can lessen when we work towards healing our hurts within.

It is common for us to quickly judge and blame others for our suffering. This reaction is an angry defense mechanism loaded with misinformation as we direct this aggression towards others in search of relief.  The illusion of “fault” comes from the tainted perceptions traditionalized by generations of belief systems, and recreates our pain and separateness.  We look outside of our self for sources of our misery such as our job, our spouse, the world, the weather, the traffic, etc…  Rarely do we look within to what we have created, based on our life story up to this point.  If we are unaware and lacking insight to see the pattern of our past experiences, we project our unhealed issues onto the world around us, recreating scenarios over and over again.

Codependency, the reliance on others to value/validate us, is a primary mode in our relating.  Most often we are distracted by the perceptions of others over our own, and live according to those views.  It manifests through feelings of need to belong and be accepted, and it is a direct reflection of how our caregivers perceived themselves.  Often, we unknowingly seek and attract energy that supports the role(s) bestowed upon us by others.  This impairs our inner vision, and any level of authenticity is sacrificed as we disappear in a façade.  Conflict naturally arises when expectations are not met in our relationships.

Conflict is the result of subtle indicators that culminate into an apex for change.  Sometimes termed as a “crisis of commitment”, a tacit agreement exists and supports the status quo of a relationship between people; then suddenly, something challenges it to change.  When this occurs, we are called to reevaluate the relationship.  Circumstances sometimes force us to heal without others, to find creative resolution when the crisis/conflict abruptly ends the relationship with communication having been severed.  This is mostly due to an emotional trigger that exposes perceptual differences and a significant variance or lack of communication from our life story (cultural, societal, familial upbringing).  Such conflict exposes the deepest and darkest issues in need of healing.

Perceptual differences as to how a situation, circumstance, or event plays out, is what creates conflict in the first place.  Again, our story or past experience dictates the intensity of the conflict.  What is not seen is the responsibility of each participant in creating the situation.  If we believe that everything happens for a reason, for the benefit of our physical and spiritual evolution, there is a greater chance of resolve.  But if we take the position of falling victim to the conflict, the emotional wound touched upon will continue to fester for the next reminder creating the same situation possibly with different players and circumstances.

To be in conflict is uncomfortable for most, yet it is always revealed as an opportunity for growth.  As children we experience a physical growth spurt, and in adult form the discomfort is more significantly through the emotional, mental, and spiritual bodies.  Processes that can aid us in minimizing conflict while still promoting the growth of our soul are consistent, conscious communication and the creation of healthy boundaries.

Healthy boundaries come from a clear and distinct perception of what is “right” and “wrong” for us based on our belief system, virtues and values.  Boundaries (or lack thereof), are established in our formative years, and are maintained or built upon through continued experiences as adults.  Unfortunately, most of us lacked clear and concise boundaries growing up.  As we become more aware, we can establish healthy boundaries, and become diligent at maintaining them even if we were not taught at an early age.

In establishing healthy boundaries with others, there is no need to draw a line in the sand or dictate to others what they are NOT to do to us.  Instead, we must take a proactive approach and NOT participate in uncomfortable and unhealthy behavior.  As a result, we establish a personal standard, not a soap box dictation of “how the world should operate”.  Our self esteem will prove our success, because if we do not feel good in our being, we allow our boundaries to be violated and will participate in situations to our detriment.

We are all operating from a foundation in which others have no clue.  Therefore, boundaries have no meaning without consistent and conscious communication.  Although we owe no one an explanation for our actions, it is helpful in understanding why we make decisions we do that affect others.  Our intention in sharing this information must consciously come from the heart without an emotional charge.  All too often, our subconscious and ego self is edging for personal gain and advancement, or working out and acting out our back story.

Emotional awareness, knowing how we feel and/or what feelings are driving our current actions/decisions, will minimize the conflict in our life.  Conflict always begins within.  Usually we participate in something that does not resonate with our higher self, feel trepidation or engage in activity before we clearly know what it is we are doing (an auto-response).  If no one else is involved, we are lucky to clean up our own mess. But if the conflict within involves others, we have asked for a lesson.  Granted, it is for the betterment of all in the long run, but if we can communicate a healthy boundary, a need, or mere uncertainty with those we involve, we can divert conflict and perhaps engage in a resolution without escalating what truly is an internal conflict.

When conflict escalates and we are at odds with one another, it is most beneficial to allow others an opportunity to speak their truth.  We all have a right to be heard, and have the unique ability to heal our self and this world through the gift of consciousness.  Why not participate in the learning process of healing misunderstanding?  Even if a relationship does not resort back to its original identity (friends, partners, co-workers, etc…), it will evolve as intended through a better understanding of the perceptions at play.

Resolving conflict happens in facing our painful reminders from the past, taking responsibility in creating the situation for our healing, and transforming the negative beliefs that keep us apart and in darkness. This heals all and creates the “Peace on Earth”, we long to achieve.

For more information or to discuss this article one-on-one, contact Julia George/Aquarian Age @ 561.750.9292

One Comment

Healthy Boundaries - A challenging lesson for us to learn.

[…] “In establishing healthy boundaries with others, there is no need to draw a line in the sand or dictate to others what they are NOT to do to us.  Instead, we must take a proactive approach and NOT participate in uncomfortable and unhealthy behavior.  As a result, we establish a personal standard, not a soap box dictation of “how the world should operate” (Aquarian Age). […]


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